Gone Dark - Raphael's secret diary
by Jungle Leopard
Summary: Raph writes a diary about his dark feelings and pain. Contains changed parts of 2 songs: All the single Ladies- Beonce (WEIRD!) and She wolf - David Guetta. Number one of the turtle's secret diaries. 1 Raph's secret diary, 2 Donnies secret diary, 3 Mikey's secret diary, 4 Leo's secret diary. Warning: extreme darkness & pain, as well as slight slash. Enjoy


**Disclaimer: I don't own TMNT**

_**Gone Dark **_

_**Raphael's secret Diary**_

* * *

_I hate myself._

_I hate myself more that anything else._

_I hate my temper._

_I am a monster._

_A monster nobody wants._

_And it's more clear to me that anything else._

_I know I am very distant, and whenever I am around anyone, I feel_

_a knot in my throat and a mast shifting over my face._

_I don't know why. _

_I remember how many times I had stayed behind in the lair, and when I had _

_sneaked out to give my brothers a pretty scare, I heard them alone._

_Laughing. _

_It sounded so different from when I was with them. Without worries._

_It sounded so happy. And I had stayed in the shadows. _

_It hurt. _

_It hurt to know that they weren't missing me._

_It always tore my heart._

_I wish I had never met my brothers._

_Because it hurts._

_It hurts so bad._

_Mikey had become afraid of my anger outbursts, but damn, I am not myself in those moments._

_It feels like I have two personalities._

_Myself and a cruel one._

_And the cruel part of me takes over when I am mad, and I loose self control._

_All the time. I am helpless in such moments._

_It's not like it has always bin there._

_I always had a tend to get violent when I was mad._

_But slowly the darkness came. _

_With every happy laugh I heard when my siblings were without me._

_With every word they said._

_The pain and darkness grow._

_I am about to drown._

_I just want it to stop. _

_To go away and never come back._

_I can't bear it anymore. _

_I can't bear the scared eyes of Mikey, the disappointed glares of Leo, _

_and most of all the disapproving looks of Donnie._

_Donnie._

_He never will know what he did to me._

_He is the one that takes me,_

_then breaks me _

_and delivers me _

_to infinity _

_ immortality_

_and beyond._

_He breaks my heart, more that anyone ever did._

_I know. But as Donnie once said, our DNA is not the one of siblings._

_Therefor it's alright._

_I'm surrounded by nothing._

_Just black wherever I go._

_I've once seen my Sensei's helping hand reach out for me, _

_but my dark side tossed it away._

_I'm lost._

_Nowhere to go._

_Lost in pain and hatred._

_Lost._

_Maybe I should end this._

_Maybe I should go out and never come back._

_But then I would still have the dark side._

_None of my family know that every night I crawl up in bed, _

_crying out the emotions which I held back during the day._

_A lot of sad emotions._

_Unbearable pains._

_Hatred._

_I see the troubled faces of my family._

_I can't bare it anymore._

_I'm a monster._

_Now even Leo left for two months._

_'Training to improve his skill'_

_I bet he only wanted to get away from me._

_I wrote him three letters, but he answered none._

_How much I would give to see one piece of writing._

_I would sacrifice my left eye for one letter addressed to me._

_One letter saying that he is alright._

_Saying he will come back and only one friendly word for me._

_I haven't heard a friendly voice for so long._

_Only angry voices._

_Disappointed voices._

_Scared voices._

_And most painful of all Donnie's disapproving voice._

_Maybe I should end all this._

_Leo has returned, and hell, he only gave me a face like he expects me to kill Mikey any second._

_It hurt._

_It stabbed into my heart._

_I know the pains of all kind of different wounds._

_But none ever hurt my heart._

_Donnie._

_I know you will never accept me, and therefor I will never tell you._

_As my dark side takes over, I am as if unconscious in my own body._

_And what happens when I awake, and dark me passes away, _

_I never approve._

_I hate it._

_And you are mad at me._

_You hate me._

_You look at me as if you wish me death._

_It pierces my heart._

_I know the pains of many different wounds._

_But none as painful as your disapproval. _

_Your hatred towards me stabs me like no weapon ever did._

_My heart bleeds._

_A shot in the dark._

_My past. Lost in space._

_Where could I stop._

_The past. The chase._

_You hunted me down._

_Like a wolf, a predator._

_I feel like a deer. In your lights_

_You hate me, as I flee this time._

_Stabbing into the heart of mine._

_But I can't compete_

_With you who has brought me to my knees._

_What do I see in those red-brown eyes_

_That makes me fall into pieces._

_I'm falling to pieces._

_I'm falling to pieces._

_I'm falling to pieces._

_Maybe I should end this. Forever._

_I should. None of my brothers will miss me._

_How often had they hurt me and I still without question came to their rescue._

_And none of them ever said thank you._

_All they did was tear me apart._

_Hurt me to the unbearable._

_I must go._

_I'm only a curse to them._

_I will go._

_I almost went._

_But I came back. _

_When we had a fight with Karai, she had dropped an amulet of great importance._

_I took it. _

_No soul else than me knows this._

_I almost went._

_But he held me back._

_I had done some research, and found out about the falling star legend of Japan._

_Briefly:_

**_In ancient times Japan was ruled by demons of the dark._**

**_It was then when a light came falling from the sky._**

**_It was the Phoenix, and with his fire he outdrove the demons._**

**_But the last had shot an arrow before death, and the Phoenix trembled to earth deadly hurt._**

**_As he touched the ground, his chest lay un a Rubin stone, _**

**_and the soul of the Phoenix was ever trapped inside, and would bring a dead back to life._**

_That was why Karai had need of the stone. To bring the Shredder back to life._

_But now the stone is useless to her._

_I feel the Phoenix's power flaming inside me._

_The dark side is gone. _

_It was replaced by a fire within._

_Leo, Don and Mikey had noticed my eyes flame and my person change._

_But I said I did not change._

_I'm still their protector._

_I will not bother them with me._

_The dark side had lightened in flame._

_And I must stay._

_For my brothers._

_For Donnie._

_And never shall this darkness consume me again._

_It would never take over me._

_I will not bow._

_I will now burn this book._

_But never want I see the dark _

_and experience the pain again._

_Never will I let the darkness take over._

_I will not bow._


End file.
